LAST PUSH

LAST HURRAH'S


I must stop this incessant rowing,
I stroke with the force that can move mountains and cross oceans
yet still i remain at the starting point.
Circling a never ending divide from which I began
I will these muscles to stop but they do not listen
for they are ruled absolute by the heart

I know nothing good will come of you
this heart of mine reaches for
and my mind knows you will utterly break it at its first sign
Its not because you meant to, its the only way you know how
unapologetic and swift, you tear it of hope
the same gleaming poison gift wrapped and tied with a bow
which you gave me so willingly in the beginning

in a sea of nothingness you were once the gail wind who powered my sails
and now you are a torrent wave, rouge and all consuming
a signal for change... or maybe a sign of the end.
And so by the sea I am swallowed
a depth as deep as the love I have given
that which you cannot return, the ocean hath provided
what you did not know,
now this dark body of water as black as midnight now contains

I look up above and see you dancing in the sun
clear yet ambiguous, from all the tides that you seemingly undergo
wave after wave it obscures your original beauty
yet something about your distorted image that speaks to me in volumes

slowly I go down the depths
and the light from which you are immersed,
a window of opportunity slowly fading away.
I reach out my hand, to see if you will save me, or to say goodbye
I can no longer tell the difference.
All I feel is the glaring ignorance I hold
and your overwhelming calm indifference.

Then from below, an undercurrent catches me.
It cradles my body like a newborn infant.
Rough for I am unfamiliar, yet as gentle as the morning breeze.
My legs kick instinctively,
a last push for liberty that your love has taken away.
The water that once threatened to drown me into nothingness,
now served as a platform for my final surge, my last hurrah

I look up longing to see your image,
My lungs are screaming a guttural wail
The air within them exploding with every bubble burst.
My eyes see a figure, yet I cannot tell if it is you
I can only hope now, to dream as much as my heart would permit.

As I rise from the depths
And my being breaks the surface of this nightmare,
I gasp a loud thundering inhale, though it is a sigh of relief more than anything.
I look around, adrenaline coursing through my veins,
yet I see you nowhere...
maybe you were just an illusion,
to rouse me awake from my despair.


-chrissanjose



[NOTE TO SELF]

Too many fucking poems, too many rhymes, too much romanticism, too much emotion and heart.
This is how I will be judged when one reads this shit I have been typing and writing.
Its kinna annoying - i need to get this shit out of my system,
this adolescent fantasy of being a poet, when really there is so much more to who I am.

I need a change of pace, a change of structure, a diversion. If i'm tired of the way I write,
what more about other people?
I need to unlearn all the intricate shit I have learned thus far,
start over, a blank slate.